Ask Your Big Sisters,
Been There * Done That
Advice on Love, Relationships & Life
It's great to hear you and Terry MacDonald talk about meeting these great men. But where are they for the rest of us??? I can think positively all I want but they are just not out there! Despite what you two say, I doubt I will find what I want ... and I don't think my standards are unrealistic! –Discouraged
Here’s the thing nobody tells you: Positive thinking, or more accurately, the Law of Attraction is hard work. It requires commitment and tenacity. Look, it’s one thing to write a list of the qualities you want in a man, a job, or a new house—it’s another to actually sit down and bring them to mind as if they really existed, and to feel the feelings you would feel if they truly did exist.
Your standards are realistic. You clearly know what you don’t want in a man. Here’s what you do want: A man who’s exciting, attractive, independent and looking to devote his life to one woman.
That’s your framework for attracting your Mr. Right. Feel free to toss in additional qualities, if you’re so inclined. You might want him to be smart, funny, and successful, too.
Let’s write an affirmation:
“I, __________________, am in the process of attracting an exciting, fun, marriage to successful, independent man who loves me and happily spends the rest of his life with me.”
Your job is to use this affirmation, not to read it and forget about it. If you want results, you must say it out loud, write it repeatedly, and bring it to mind as you drop off to sleep at night. More important, you must conjure the emotions you’d feel if you were indeed in a happy relationship with this person.
After dating a parade of boring, unfaithful, No-Show-Joes, I wrote this affirmation:
“I am happily married to a loyal, loving, reliable, successful, fun man.”
I went to my bedroom every night for about six months, put on my favorite CDs, and brought that man to life in my mind. If I was sitting in a bar surrounded by a bunch of loud drunks, I sipped my drink and “felt” his loving arms around me.
It will come to you as no surprise, then, that I met my husband in a bar. And, no, he doesn’t drink.
My best advice to you is to give UP on Love. It worked for me. Why couldn’t it work for you?
I gave it UP the night I was safely deposited back to my little apartment in
Somehow, in between being picked up and delivered home, he bombarded me by telling me how much he loved me, how he wanted to love all of me, how great that would be for me, and how he would worship me like a queen.
At first this sounded great. I’d been on quite the dry spell.
Then it went on and on and on. He swarmed me from all sides. He implored me, “Touch me, kiss me, say yes to me, touch me, kiss me!” I responded by going numb. I suffered through the evening instead of picking myself up, peeling him off me, and calling a cab. Why? Like a lot of women, I got caught up in my “nice” routine. (If I’m nice to him, maybe, just maybe he’ll stop, go away, and self-implode on a distant street corner.)
When I released him without granting him the gift of intercourse in that teeny, weeny Parisian car I had 3 huge “ah has.”
- There are worse things than being alone.
- My impatient demands had attracted impatient results. BLEH.
- I would give my love life UP and over to God. I vowed, in a Scarlet O’Hara fashion, to never ever again look at another man without a clear “sign from God.” (Shake your fist in the air, look up, speak your truth and you can create this moment for yourself.)
From there, the months passed peacefully. Didn’t fuss, worry or strain. I stood my ground.
Six months later, I was at a meeting. A beautiful, white, thick, Irish hand knit sweater walked into the room and into my life. The sweater drew me like a moth. I had to pet it. I could not resist it.
The man in the wool turned out to be Michael, the man I fell in love with and married. My attraction to his sweater marked the first of many signs that he was—and is—the man for me.
-Big Sister, Viveca
Founder, Get Ready For Love
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